I've got friends


Dear Universe, Thank you for placing these amazing people in my path who I share laughter, love and a broad spectrum of emotions and life experience with. I enjoy the time I have with them and hope that my gratitude will continue to show in the actions I take to honor my new companions.

Masa

Once upon a time there was no joy in my life. The only thing I was able to share with this world was the pain and loneliness deep within my heart. I had no concept of what friendship felt like, unconditonal love was something that was great to sell movies or books and frankly "surviving" made thinking of other people a luxury I could not afford. As I reflect upon this existence I have to admit it's a bit disturbing. In fact let's move on before I start to morbidly reflect on this misery and forget the reasoning for this entry.SNAP OUT OF IT.

So, if you're reading this and know nothing else of me I imagine that you're probably wondering "Who the fuck would be this douche bag's friend?" There are days when I wonder myself, but regardless of some of the circumstances with which I have been introduced to many of these people. I can say that I've put much work into the building of these friendships and that for the man who lived without for soo many years they have become priceless to me. Invaluable to the life I live today.

How did it happen? Slowly. The best I can do to illustrate this is with this example: I have this friend who I'll refer to as "the upgrade choking homo" or Lame for short(most definitely a term of endearment). When I take stock of this relationship/friendship I believe it to be the best example of a healthy relationship in my life today. On that note I should probably share a bit on my perspective of what I mean.

Masa's criteria for a "healthy relationship" as of this moment.

1)Honesty-I can be completely honest with this person/I do not lie/I do not omit(hopefully I don't hurt feelings, but I'll get more into this later)

2)Communication-You're being a douche bag/You hurt my feelings/I miss you/Why are you doing "that" again/etc....

3)Boundaries-I feel disrespected when you/I am unable to/No

4)Intimacy-Vulnerability/I'm afraid to be hurt, but I am willing to put myself out there and see what happens

5)Value-The best way I can translate this one is... I am willing to fight for this/You are important to me/I'll make time for this

Did you notice anything about the wording of each of these principles? They are all "I" statements or statements in which I relate my feelings. My experience has shown me that the biggest factor I must look at when evaluating my relationships is "how I show up" or "what am I willing to do". As I've unwittingly put this into practice in my relationship with the Lame I have been given the opportunity to know him as the person he is and not what I would expect of him(I'm only gay for him, otherwise I'm TOTALLY into chicks lol). I have no more expectations, I respect the person today and cheer on the person he strives to be. I have very little in comparison, but if I could put a label upon the attitude I have it would be unconditional love. Maybe someday I'll be able to practice this is a relationship other than plutonic. haha

I do not claim to have this level of interaction with every person I know. In fact I can say with certainty that, had it not been for the actions of the other party I would not have gone to the lengths I have. And what do I have today because of this? I've gained a priceless relationship and an invaluable tool. I have a template or cheat sheet by which I can compare "how I show up" in other relationships. If you are unclear about the "criteria" in which you define a healthy relationship do not fear. The list as it is defined today has evolved I wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't continue to change. I believe the key for me is to always be aware of "how I'm showing up".

So... How do you show up?

entry 1

Well isn't this fun!
Either this day will live in infamy or this will be the beginning of opening a whole new door to my life and mind. Scary isn't it.

How much to share? I know that to document a feeling for the world to share in can do many things. None of which I claim the foreshadowing to predict. And with that rather vague and benign disclaimer we shall begin.

I had a feeling today. I do not claim to never have feelings otherwise(though some would argue to the contrary lol). I share this only because in this journey called life my "feelings" have been something of a puzzle. Have you ever been a ninja? Stalking quietly thru the familiarity of your own home in the dark? Coffee table. Couch 2 clicks to the south. The glow of a digitalized clock on the dvd player. Everything is gooFUCK!WHENDIDWEGETTHISFREAKINLAMP!CRASH! .....This has been a trend for me lately(how fitting as "cry me a river" mocks me in the backround).

Wondering what the hell this crazy man is talking about yet?

Ambiguous much? haha!

Ok. Ok. I love someone. She is beautiful. She is intelligent. She laughs like no one is watching. She loves with no expectation. She HELLA understands. She has unwittingly shown me that life is good. She loves me unconditionally.
WHATAREYOUWAITINGFOR!!!!

Sounds so cut and dry, right? At this moment it is very hard to amass sufficient reasoning to explain why I am here and she is there. But wait there's more. I should no take the time to mention I've spent the last year and a half comfortably in the friend zone. Ignorant to the fact that at some point she may have sat in her bed at some ungodly hour attempting to explain to herself why the hell she was there and I was wherever. Laugh, sigh in empathy, slap your forehead DOH! All would be appropriate for the moment. What's that story about ships passing in the night? Yeah well fuck that story!

Back to that feeling... atleast it seems my eyes are adjusting to the dark.

What will I do? A friend once told me "Masa, Love is an action. If you love someone you do things for them to show it." Continue to do the things I've been doing to the best of my ability.